Change
I wrote this post months ago and never shared it. Posting it now because ... well, why not? This blog has always been about our family and the hills and valleys we've traveled. Lesson-learning is a good thing. And after re-reading this post, much of it was a good reminder to keep on learning and not stress so much! So here it is, from the archives, never before revealed. :)
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Here I am. Checkin' in again. Every day, I feel called to write. To document. To share and record what's going on in this house and in these hearts. This has been a good year for us already. Sure, we've faced a few setbacks and challenges. we've had rough days and low patience levels with each other. But at least for me, I feel is different. Much more hopeful than before. I feel stronger and better equipped to handle my challenges. And pretty much, you all might guess who I credit that to, but just in case you're unsure ... it's Jesus. Yep!
I've felt for many months now that God has been calling me to step back from our business and refocus on our family. To stop trying to juggle the two because a divided heart is never good. I've been cranky, impatient and quick to anger as I try to jam-pack our day with checking off items on our to-do lists and making sure I fill the day with enough "stuff" to be a "good" mom. All while in the back of my mind, fretting over where I SHOULD be with our business, my photography and my "ME" time. I've compared myself to others who appear to have it all together -- perfectly organized homes, perfect appearance, perfect joy, perfect schedules, perfect completed craft projects (no doubt courtesy to the awesome online spot that is Pinterest). I've wrestled with obedience and with doubt as to what He was really calling me to do because there was just SO MUCH OUT THERE I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH! I've requested prayer from friends and family that He would speak clearer to me and de-fuzz my ears so I could REALLY hear what He was saying. I always thought I heard, but then other feelings would creep back in and cloud over His message.
My mind is always, always the thing that messes me up. I over-think everything. I've never been good at making decisions because I always doubt and go back over my decision-making process to make SURE I didn't take any wrong turns. My ballet teacher said it to me best 15 or so years ago. I don't remember exactly what we were doing in class (though fouettes en pointe sounds about right, since those were both a frightening and exhilarating challenge), but I remember the words she said. And I think about them all the time. She said (and I might add, while she was frustrated with me getting angry at myself and pouting at the back of the studio),"Mandy, you are so afraid of not getting something right that you either don't go for it at all or you go for it with half the effort, in fear of what would happen if you really gave 100%. You're afraid that if you really went for it that the result wouldn't be good enough." In holding back (or in doubting difficult things I knew to be true) I was protecting myself ... like when I only gave partial effort, if I failed, I would know that it was okay because I didn't REALLY try as hard as I could have. If I'd REALLY tried, I probably would have succeeded.
Now, that's not to say that I don't ever give full effort to things. Quite the contrary. Especially after I internalized what my ballet teacher said to me. (And let it sink in after I got over my teenage angst at her bold comment, spoken in front of all my dance friends.) It was a brilliant statement, seriously. I had never once thought of myself that way, but she pegged it perfectly. If I was a cartoon, a huge, blindingly-bright lightbulb would have appeared right above my head. Her boldness was a gift to me.
When it comes to being a mother, and a stay-at-home one at that, nothing is more terrifying than thinking about the job you're doing and wondering if you're REALLY giving 100% or if you could do more. Or if what you're doing is right ... or wrong. Staying at home, I don't have any validation from the outside world that what I'm doing is right and good. I don't get quarterly reviews or raises to boost my confidence in my title of Mom. I don't have much of a job description to check my daily activity against or a boss to whom I report and look to for guidance.
At least, that's what I told myself before I started actually LISTENING to Him. And immersing myself in His Word to try to learn more about how He wants me to live. And most of all, TRUSTING Him. This is sort of a difficult thing to write because it's not like I never really tried to listen. I did. For years, I begged for direction (and I still beg for direction, don't get me wrong). But I was confused and weak and hurt and angry and resentful and selfish and all of that clouded things up. I am still confused and weak and hurt and angry and selfish ... but what has changed is that I am willing to let go. I'm more willing to step out on a ledge that seems treacherous, without a plan for what would happen if I fell. I'm willing to let go of what I THINK life is supposed to look like and all of the feelings that go along with that when my life doesn't look like the picture in my head. And not just let go and be free, but let go and just let Him direct my path.
So just to record here alongside all the other many family stories, I have to say that I don't really have as much confusion as I used to have. I have so much more to share about this topic. I don't even know how to organize these thoughts but I know I want to record and share them. I know what I need to do and I'm committed to do it -- to be obedient to the One who keeps the joy in my heart. I don't always understand and I sometimes have pity parties about what's "fair" and what I WISH could be, but then after I get over myself and my own selfish ambitions and ask for forgiveness, I'm quietly reminded that what He has for me is so much more than what I could create and line up for myself.
Maybe if you're not in love with Jesus this all sounds like gibberish. A whole lotta fluff and not a lotta meaning. That's okay. I plan to try to share more of what I'm learning, how I've gotten where I am. Along with my every day struggles to stay here, focused on obedience and a simpler life. Because really ... when I give it all to Him, it's so much easier. I don't have to think about every single step, every single decision, every single pathway. I trust that He will make those things clear to me. And if they're not clear ... well, then I step away from it until things become clear.
So that's where I am right now. Peaceful (mostly) and on a pretty good path. Not yet to all of my goals, but with much better direction. And as long as we're moving, we're making progress, right?
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Here I am. Checkin' in again. Every day, I feel called to write. To document. To share and record what's going on in this house and in these hearts. This has been a good year for us already. Sure, we've faced a few setbacks and challenges. we've had rough days and low patience levels with each other. But at least for me, I feel is different. Much more hopeful than before. I feel stronger and better equipped to handle my challenges. And pretty much, you all might guess who I credit that to, but just in case you're unsure ... it's Jesus. Yep!
I've felt for many months now that God has been calling me to step back from our business and refocus on our family. To stop trying to juggle the two because a divided heart is never good. I've been cranky, impatient and quick to anger as I try to jam-pack our day with checking off items on our to-do lists and making sure I fill the day with enough "stuff" to be a "good" mom. All while in the back of my mind, fretting over where I SHOULD be with our business, my photography and my "ME" time. I've compared myself to others who appear to have it all together -- perfectly organized homes, perfect appearance, perfect joy, perfect schedules, perfect completed craft projects (no doubt courtesy to the awesome online spot that is Pinterest). I've wrestled with obedience and with doubt as to what He was really calling me to do because there was just SO MUCH OUT THERE I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH! I've requested prayer from friends and family that He would speak clearer to me and de-fuzz my ears so I could REALLY hear what He was saying. I always thought I heard, but then other feelings would creep back in and cloud over His message.
My mind is always, always the thing that messes me up. I over-think everything. I've never been good at making decisions because I always doubt and go back over my decision-making process to make SURE I didn't take any wrong turns. My ballet teacher said it to me best 15 or so years ago. I don't remember exactly what we were doing in class (though fouettes en pointe sounds about right, since those were both a frightening and exhilarating challenge), but I remember the words she said. And I think about them all the time. She said (and I might add, while she was frustrated with me getting angry at myself and pouting at the back of the studio),"Mandy, you are so afraid of not getting something right that you either don't go for it at all or you go for it with half the effort, in fear of what would happen if you really gave 100%. You're afraid that if you really went for it that the result wouldn't be good enough." In holding back (or in doubting difficult things I knew to be true) I was protecting myself ... like when I only gave partial effort, if I failed, I would know that it was okay because I didn't REALLY try as hard as I could have. If I'd REALLY tried, I probably would have succeeded.
Now, that's not to say that I don't ever give full effort to things. Quite the contrary. Especially after I internalized what my ballet teacher said to me. (And let it sink in after I got over my teenage angst at her bold comment, spoken in front of all my dance friends.) It was a brilliant statement, seriously. I had never once thought of myself that way, but she pegged it perfectly. If I was a cartoon, a huge, blindingly-bright lightbulb would have appeared right above my head. Her boldness was a gift to me.
When it comes to being a mother, and a stay-at-home one at that, nothing is more terrifying than thinking about the job you're doing and wondering if you're REALLY giving 100% or if you could do more. Or if what you're doing is right ... or wrong. Staying at home, I don't have any validation from the outside world that what I'm doing is right and good. I don't get quarterly reviews or raises to boost my confidence in my title of Mom. I don't have much of a job description to check my daily activity against or a boss to whom I report and look to for guidance.
At least, that's what I told myself before I started actually LISTENING to Him. And immersing myself in His Word to try to learn more about how He wants me to live. And most of all, TRUSTING Him. This is sort of a difficult thing to write because it's not like I never really tried to listen. I did. For years, I begged for direction (and I still beg for direction, don't get me wrong). But I was confused and weak and hurt and angry and resentful and selfish and all of that clouded things up. I am still confused and weak and hurt and angry and selfish ... but what has changed is that I am willing to let go. I'm more willing to step out on a ledge that seems treacherous, without a plan for what would happen if I fell. I'm willing to let go of what I THINK life is supposed to look like and all of the feelings that go along with that when my life doesn't look like the picture in my head. And not just let go and be free, but let go and just let Him direct my path.
So just to record here alongside all the other many family stories, I have to say that I don't really have as much confusion as I used to have. I have so much more to share about this topic. I don't even know how to organize these thoughts but I know I want to record and share them. I know what I need to do and I'm committed to do it -- to be obedient to the One who keeps the joy in my heart. I don't always understand and I sometimes have pity parties about what's "fair" and what I WISH could be, but then after I get over myself and my own selfish ambitions and ask for forgiveness, I'm quietly reminded that what He has for me is so much more than what I could create and line up for myself.
Maybe if you're not in love with Jesus this all sounds like gibberish. A whole lotta fluff and not a lotta meaning. That's okay. I plan to try to share more of what I'm learning, how I've gotten where I am. Along with my every day struggles to stay here, focused on obedience and a simpler life. Because really ... when I give it all to Him, it's so much easier. I don't have to think about every single step, every single decision, every single pathway. I trust that He will make those things clear to me. And if they're not clear ... well, then I step away from it until things become clear.
So that's where I am right now. Peaceful (mostly) and on a pretty good path. Not yet to all of my goals, but with much better direction. And as long as we're moving, we're making progress, right?
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